Gaston Dilmoore: Yak Fur is the New iPhone

I've discovered several practical applications for yak fur.

Nunzig doesn't believe me.

I've also discovered the real reason to keep cheese.

Nunzig refuses to listen.

There's an arrangement of cheese next to my kit, and the yak fur I keep in a satchel made of reeds. I've named the satchel William.

Nunzig says a satchel does not need a name.

Nunzig is silly. And he's rather short, isn't he? Well, he is a Sherpa, but he's a short Sherpa.

Regarding the yak fur. You see, it may be used to cushion a bike seat. It may also be used to reduce chafing. Also, yak fur, if used specifically, can resemble a small rodent, which is great fun when Nunzig isn't looking. When he does, he jumps and shouts "Ah! A small rodent is there!"

It's great fun, that.

Other uses for yak fur include bedding, bearding and breading. Yes, I can bread my porridge with yak fur. It's a delicate procedure. First I must carefully shave the yak, which can get tricky, particularly during mating season, which as my luck would have it, is right now on the Kamchatka. It leaves me wishing I had some vitamin E.

Once I've shaved a bit off the yak, I crumble the fur and then sprinkle it onto my porridge. It cooks well, leaving a crust on the top. Another use for yak fur is bearding. I'm wearing one now. Bedding is obvious, but the final application is crucial. It seems I can use yak fur to contact the backers and tell them of our progress. I do this by employing the cheese. You see, cheese is a natural amplifier of the telepathic properties of yak fur. These properties allow the yaks to hold entire conversations while standing near mud holes more than hundreds of miles apart. This is evident through the occasional nodding we've all observed in yaks. They're nodding in approval to things other yaks have been saying to them through their fur. The cheese, you see, will allow us to amplify the signal. What I do is to apply the fur directly to the cheese (which must be arranged in a specific pattern) and then I lay my elbows on the yak fur, being careful not to affect the cheese, and then I simply think. I might think the words, "Hello yak, are you having a pleasant afternoon?" Before long, the yak will nod, and that is when I know I've succeeded. I tried to show Nunzig, but he is a primitive person and so has no appreciation of the scientific method. In fact, he kicked me. Right there in the shin.

"See here!" I shouted, "If you don't care to learn about the use of a telepathy through yak fur and cheese, then bugger off, but don't go kicking me!"

It's remarkably strange how little he understands. He has a strong back but a weak mind. Still, I do love him so. b